Ramblings

Monday, September 17, 2007

Again it has been a long time since my last post. I am tired and I caught the little cold my kids picked up from somewhere.

We have had a lot of change in the past few months. I realized today that at the time of my last post, I was probably pregnant. While on my trip to Chicago, I had many separate conversations about whether or not to have three children or two. Little did I know the decision had already been made. We found out a couple weeks after my homecoming and were both pleasantly surprised. Brian was very happy immediately and I'll admit it took me a couple hours to come around....

Unfortunately, it seemed like just as soon as we'd adjusted to having three kids, I started the miscarriage process. Yes, it was and still is a process. It seems as though for the past three weeks my body has been trying to return from the pregnant to non-pregnant state. What I believe is that my body really wants to be pregnant! It's hard to explain, but my pregnancy hormone (hCG) is still in my blood. My doctor feared ectopic or molar at first and still hasn't ruled out molar, but I have weekly blood tests until my hCG level is at zero. That's the physical side of things.

The emotional side of things has been tougher! Why us? We were successful twice so of course we/I didn't think a miscarriage could/would happen to us.... Did I do something to cause this? Why did God take this baby to heaven? I've told so many people I was pregnant and now I have to tell them otherwise...this brings tears to their eyes as well as mine. And in addition, I hear immediately about how they too (most of the time) have also experienced a miscarriage at some point. The tears well-up in their eyes in an instant as if it just happened again for them as I share my story. A miscarriage at any stage is emotionally painful. I wonder if God wanted me to be granted the gift of empathy for women with similar experiences and that is one reason this baby got to see heaven before us.?.

What has been very healing is my daughter's ability at 3 1/2 years old to accept that "sometimes babies get too sick to come out so God takes them to heaven." That is what we told her shortly after we learned I was miscarrying. She had been so excited and curious about the baby since the day we told her asking daily questions about whether the baby was getting bigger. We wanted to tell her what was happening right away. What a blessing our children have been to Brian and I during this ordeal. They bring us such joy during a trying time. Thank you for them, O God! Help us all to heal and grieve and share our feelings with others! Amen.

¶ 11:00 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

About Me